Saint or Sinner Read online

  “That we will see,” Mira replied, and her words were aimed at the “home” part, but Suzanne kept talking.

  “We are all so happy that you are back. Russell and mom and I.” Mira snorted loud enough, so Suzanne could hear it.

  “Oh stop,” Mira said determined. “You don’t have to pretend, sister. Your husband is as happy about my return, as he would be about a hole in his head and mom probably won’t even notice that I am here. Not even when I am standing beside her bed holding her hand.” She dodged a fighting couple that were arguing about the whereabouts of their children over the last weekend. Nothing had changed. Absolutely nothing.

  “The doctors are saying that she hears and feels everything that is going on around her, even though she might not react.” Suzanne repeated the same old sentence that she had said so many times already. When Mira kept walking without saying a word, she sighed heavily. “Oh come on Mira. Just hold on for a second and talk to me. I know that you probably wanted to spend a couple of hours alone before facing your family. To acclimatize — I get it. But I really do believe that you should come back. To us. To me.”

  “I have already booked myself a room at the Hyborn,” Mira replied and pulled her sister to the side. Here, right next to the airport’s exit, it wasn’t necessarily quieter than slap bang in the middle of the crowds, but at least they weren’t in anybody’s way and wouldn’t get knocked over.

  “Please understand, that it is never easy for me to come back.”

  “I do understand,” Suzanne assured her, before Mira could go deeper into the depths of her growing discomfort. “Plus, I have already prepared everything for your return.” She flashed her a beaming smile, as if she were a child that had gotten an A+ for her homework. Mira sometimes seriously wondered which of the two of them was actually the older sister.

  “You can start as Russell’s assistant immediately, if you want. I have prepared one of the guest rooms for you. Of course, if you would prefer to move into mom’s old room instead, then all you have to do is tell me.” Her blue eyes sparkled with self-satisfaction as she pulled out her best card yet. “And if you really do need some distance from me, then you can move into Russell’s old apartment. I would only need one day to quickly make sure that everything is okay there. Sometimes, we let business friends stay there when all the good hotels are booked.”

  “Suzanne,” Mira interrupted her sister’s relentless monologue. “Listen…” Both girls were the same height, but Suzanne seemed more like a dainty flower and Mira felt somewhat big next to her. She took her sister’s hands. “You know that Russell and I don’t get along very well. How on earth did you come up with the idea that I would like to work for him? And apart from that, I need some time to get used to this place again. To find my feet here in L.A. again.”

  “Well, it’s not just Russell’s company,” Suzanne quickly replied, as if she hadn’t heard any of Mira’s objections. She seemed to be trembling slightly. Whether this was due to the wind that came rushing in through the constantly opening and closing glass sliding doors, or simply her being nervous, Mira did not know. “After all, mom, you, and I own the other 50% of Dumont Ltd. So, therefore, you would be working for us and actually for yourself.”

  It was a comfortable solution: her sister would be happy, and Mira wouldn’t have to go and try to find an apartment and a suitable job. Right now, she had no idea which would be harder – finding somewhere to live or finding work. This way, she would be able to take her return slowly and without the real pressures of starting anew.

  She wasn’t completely convinced though. The pressure was still there, it was just a very different kind. She stared longingly at the long line of taxis picking up the relentless stream of passengers and tried to think of the right words to use to tell her sister what she wanted to say, that wouldn’t hurt her feelings.

  Here she was, 25 years old, having graduated Summa cum Laude from one of the most prestigious business schools in all of Europe, maybe even the entire world, and she was unable to be assertive against all of this love and care from her sister.

  She had been convinced that she had long ago left that overwhelming feeling of duty and obligation towards her loved ones, behind. But some things never change. Even less so when you come back home after many years. Should she just bite her tongue and move in with her sister, so that she could be with Suzanne? What was more important – her own wellbeing or the happiness of her sister?

  “How about a compromise,” Mira suggested. “I will live at the Hyborn for one week, as planned. In the meantime, you check out if Russell’s old apartment is alright and free for the upcoming weeks. If it is, then I will move in, until I find something else.”

  She had wanted to say “until she found something better”, but she had caught herself at the last second. In all honesty, Mira had never seen her brother-in-law’s apartment, but she had a good idea what he used it for. Suzanne’s face was beaming again and despite the fact that Mira didn’t really like a show of emotion in public, she hugged her sister anyway. This was the second time.

  “Good. That’s how we will do it. But you have to promise me something. We have to see each other at least once a day. Now, that you are finally back home, I will never let you leave again. Welcome back home, sweetie.”

  Suzanne’s sweet and welcoming words were well-meant, but to Mira they sounded more like a threat.

  Chapter 2

  Mira let Suzanne drive her to the Hyborn. She would literally have had to physically fight her, if she wanted to prevent her sister from personally delivering her to the hotel. Not only that, but Suzanne needed to see that the quality of the establishment was adequate for her beloved little sister. Mira should have warned the hotel manager that he would get to hear some harsh words with regard to how he should do his job, including the threat that Suzanne would leave no stone unturned in bringing him to justice if she should find so much as a hair in the sink or a speck of dust under the bed.

  “How long had you been waiting for me at the airport?”

  “Oh, not long.” Suzanne waved her hand in a cool way. Her wedding ring, which was an overly dramatic looking monstrosity made of platinum and diamonds, almost slid off her finger. “It’s not that you have a lot of choices when it comes to flights.” Her sentences were short and seemed somewhat choppy while she was focusing on the road in front of her. Mira held onto the handle in the passenger door when her sister attempted a reckless overtaking maneuver on the most famous and busiest road in the city.

  The drivers behind them banged on their horns resentfully.

  “I knew that you would fly out of London.” Suzanne ignored the disgust of her fellow drivers as she spoke. When had her sister turned into such a ruthless driver? “I assume that the thing with Marc is over for good?” She quickly touched Mira’s hand in support, even though Mira would have preferred it if Suzanne kept both of her hands on the steering wheel. Thankfully, they now turned into a less busy road. “… listening to me?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Mira apologized immediately, realizing that she hadn’t really paid attention to the things that Suzanne had said. “Honestly, your driving style is a little aggressive and I have to fully concentrate on not dying right now. What did you say?”

  “I asked if things are over for good between you and Marc. Or are you both planning on having a long-distance relationship?”

  “No,” replied Mira. “Now I understand why you were able to intercept my arrival at the airport so precisely. Could you please drive a little slower?”

  “Of course! All you have to do is say it…” Suzanne actually took her foot off the gas pedal and Mira dramatically pretended to wipe sweat off her forehead. “You are right though. During the week, only one flight from Madrid lands here in L.A. I pretty much assumed that you would fly with one of those airlines. But anyway, would you please tell me already – how did things end up between you and your very hot Spanish boyfriend?”

  “We remain friends,” replie
d Mira. Suzanne gave her a scoffing look. Mira shrugged. “Yeah, well the split didn’t really kill either of us. I mean, it wasn’t very hard, since we’d already had a long-distance relationship over the last two years, travelling back and forth between Madrid and London.”

  “I am truly sorry,” said Suzanne seriously. “But…”

  “But you have always said that he wasn’t the right one for me. Yes. I know,” finished Mira the sentence for her. “Just like I have always said that Russell isn’t the right man for you, sis.”

  They both fell silent. Despite the unpleasant topic, however, it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. They had had this particular fight a hundred times before. They were at the point where they didn’t even really put any effort into it anymore. First it had been Tom and then Jack, who Suzanne didn’t like very much, and up until now it had been Marc. Mira giggled quietly as she recalled all the names of her previous boyfriends. Their names all had the same ring to them: Tom, Jack, Marc. As she thought about them as men… all three of them had kind of been the same too. At least Marc had lasted somewhat longer than the others before him. Mira had secretly known quite early in the relationship – deep inside of her – that she couldn’t really see a future with him either. Whenever someone had asked her if she wanted children and how she would manage to find a good long-term job, Mira had always answered the exact same thing: Yes, I do want children and I don’t see a problem with working and having a family at the same time – as long as the man helps out too. However, none of the men who had been a part of her life, had been cut out for this. None of them had that drive, and Mira didn’t see herself growing old with any of them. Of course, they had all been nice. But nice wasn’t enough. At least not for Mira. She had started to believe that something wasn’t quite right with her, because she compared the men in her life with… well, literally with the man of her dreams. A man, who only existed in her fantasies.

  He was supposed to be strong enough so that she could lean on him, and sensitive enough to be able to show his feelings. He needed to be decisive and be able to make important decisions within a split second and yet never leave her out in the cold. The man Mira wanted to grow old with, was supposed to hold her without suffocating her.

  The one big flaw with that idea: A man like that did not exist in reality.

  “I could introduce you to one of Russell’s friends. His name is Luke. He has been divorced for two years and really is a very nice guy.”

  Mira thought about the unlikely possibility that one of her brother-in-law’s friends could possibly be a “nice guy”, but she didn’t say anything. Sooner or later, she and Suzanne would fight about Russell again anyway, but she hoped it wouldn’t be too soon. “How about I settle in first. I haven’t even really arrived yet,” she said diplomatically. “What is up with all you married women that you have to constantly try to play matchmaker for everybody else? How about the possibility that a woman can be happy without a man?”

  “Well, I simply want you to be happy. Not alone, sweetie.” Whenever Mira heard this term of endearment, it seemed to somewhat evaporate anything that she would have wanted to say. As happy as you and Russell are – as long as you can pretend that everything actually is happy!

  Suzanne turned into the driveway of the Hyborn hotel.

  The concierge came through the door and immediately called a bellhop when he saw who it was. “How lovely to see you, Mrs. Forbes. Who am I welcoming as your guest today?” Suzanne smiled widely at the grey-haired man in his military style uniform. Obviously, she knew the Hyborn very well – and they knew her – which led Mira to assume that her sister used this hotel too, whenever her husband’s apartment was occupied.

  “This is my sister, Mira Dumont,” Suzanne said to the man and then she turned around. “Mira, may I introduce you to Sully Martin, the best concierge in the entire city. If you need anything, just ask him.” Sully gave Mira a warm smile, which she returned slightly less enthusiastically.

  Now she knew why her sister hadn’t had any complaints about her staying her at this hotel. She knew the concierge so well, that he would report back to Suzanne about all of her little sister’s comings and goings, whenever she requested an update. Mira secretly hoped that her sister wouldn’t really show her control freak side too much, but she also knew that that was rather unlikely.

  Nothing here had changed. Not in the slightest. As soon as she returned to L.A., she fell right back into her old habits.

  Mira checked in in the time her sister chatted with the receptionist. She had rented a suite on the top floor with the most breathtaking views of the surrounding mountains. Well, according to the amazing pictures on the internet, they were breathtaking. The least she deserved was a magnificent view when she woke up in the morning. At least for the one week that she would be staying here.

  The pictures on the website had not lied. The view was fantastic. Mira kicked open the doors to her terrace and stepped out onto the balcony. The Santa Monica Mountains shimmered blue far in the distance and the air was surprisingly bearable, despite the smog. Mira immediately made plans to take a long hot bath once her sister was gone. She wanted to be alone and didn’t want to have to listen to any suggestions about another man or about a job working with Suzanne’s husband.

  “I am ordering a cappuccino from room service for myself. Would you like something?” Suzanne already had the telephone in her hand.

  Okay. This was enough. “Yes. I would like to be alone,” Mira answered, as she stepped back into the room. “Listen. I will say it one more time: I know that you only want what’s best for me and I truly appreciate it. I just need some time to acclimatize. I love you too and I am also very, very happy to see you, but I am no longer eight years old. I am 25. I’ve got this.”

  At first Suzanne looked hurt, but then her face softened a little, as she nodded with a heavy sigh. “Yes. Of course. I understand,” she said, and it almost sounded like she was speaking to a two-year-old who she was returning a lolly to, or something to that effect. “I will come and pick you up tomorrow morning – let’s say around eleven – and then I will take you to mom.”

  Finally. Finally she mentioned the one topic that they had both tried to avoid for the longest time.

  “Sounds like a plan,” replied Mira. “Does she still live in Nightingale Manor?” The home was a privately-run sanatorium and their mother had lived there for well over seventeen years now. Mira didn’t know if the place also functioned as a hospice.

  Suzanne nodded. “I like it better this way,” she said quietly. “Of course, it costs a little extra, because she needs special care and her medications are very strong now. I just didn’t want her to have to move to a strange place for the last days of her life. The director of Nightingale’s was really very accommodating when I showed him a fat check. I am sorry that I didn’t contact you with regard to all of these decisions. Everything had to be done so quickly…”

  Mira interrupted Suzanne by taking her into her arms and hugging her very tightly. “No. Don’t be sorry. I am sorry that I have left you all alone out here for all these years. And now I am here, and I’m telling you that I need more time for myself. I am selfish, and I am so very sorry.” They held each other for a moment without saying a word.

  “It’s okay,” said Suzanne with a stifled voice. “I am well aware that I can be a little too much sometimes. Especially since… then.” She took a deep breath and wiped some tears from Mira’s face. “It is absolutely fine that you need some time for yourself first.” Mira gave her sister a kiss on her cheek. She tried to put all of the things that she could not say, into that one kiss.

  “Would it be okay with you if I went and saw mommy tonight – alone?”

  “Yes. Of course,” Suzanne replied hesitantly. “But don’t get scared when you see her. It’s been two years since your last visit and since then, things have gotten way worse. She didn’t look great then, but now she looks even weaker than before.” She pressed her lips into a thin lin
e and Mira could feel the tension that stiffened Suzanne’s small, thin body. It seemed as if she herself was barely skin and bones, even though the very elegant suit that she wore did a great job of hiding her skinny limbs. “That wasn’t meant to sound like an accusation,” she quickly added.

  “I know,” said Mira softly. “I can sense that.”

  “Alright. Then I will go now,” replied Suzanne. For a woman who otherwise had the world completely under her thumb, she now almost seemed undecided.

  “Is there something else?” Mira held her sister by her shoulders and pushed her just an inch away from her, so she could see her face. “Come on. You are hiding something from me. I promise, I am a big girl. I can handle it – whatever it may be.” Her pitiful attempt to lighten up the situation was met with yet another pitiful smile from her sister.

  “Yes. There is something else I need to tell you.” Suzanne took in another very deep breath and then let it out just as slowly. It was obvious that she was looking for the right words. Her mouth was a thin line and for the first time since she had been back, Mira saw every one of her sister’s 34 years written all over her face. “He is back. He is here in L.A.”

  “Who?” Mira felt a cold shiver running down her spine. That couldn’t be. Why now? What was he doing here? It almost seemed too much of a coincidence. Suzanne made a weird sounding noise and Mira let go of her shoulders, that she had been holding onto a little too tightly. “Please tell me that this isn’t true,” Mira whispered and suddenly her insides turned hot with anger.